Golf Jokes

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

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Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead." "That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

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Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt

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A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

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A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. "Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

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Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' Golfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''

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An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer. "Whats the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "Whats the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

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During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

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Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: 1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool." 3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".

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Mac invited his friend Jimmy to play at his new club. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole. Jimmy teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything. He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said, "Boy, this is really a tough course!"

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It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

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An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

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There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress." So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. "Small world".

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One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?" The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said `only if it's raining"

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A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. " So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked. "Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

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